Rage Valley
by Mr. Lost
Summary: After getting inducted into the Shinigami Women's Association, an unlucky Shuuhei Hisagi finds himself paired with the short captain that has an even shorter fuse in order to accomplish an impossible task. Shuusoi, Ichiruki.


Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters in any way. That right is reserved to Tite Kubo.

**Rage Valley**

Shuuhei Hisagi is not the most complicated man out on the Shinigami market today. As acting captain of the 9th squad in the Gotei 13, he is quite possibly the hardest working lieutenant on the force at this moment, aside from Izuru Kira. Therefore it is no surprise that along with the many duties he performs in his squad, he also enjoys some spending time with a nice bottle of sake or six. This is his escape from the cruel reality of losing the one man who had practically molded him from the ground up, but it seems the world just does not want to give this poor soul a break. It all started when Hisagi was dragged to a Shinigami Women's Association meeting by a very perky and jubilant Rangiku Matsumoto. He didn't even remember what the meeting was about, but all he knew was that she really needed to slow down as her assets were threatening to burst out of her kimono.

"Woah there Ran, you should probably slow down. I doubt they're that strict about being there on time." Honestly, he just wanted to delay his fate, or as Rangiku would put it, his 'destiny'.

"Psh, are you kidding? If we come late then we'll miss the cupcakes, and I heard that Isane was baking this time!" The 10th Division's lieutenant didn't even spare a glance at him as she literally dragged him to the Kuchiki Mansion, and further towards the true beginning of this tale.

* * *

Chapter 1. The Prey

"Shuuhei fukutaicho, may I ask exactly why you are present at this meeting?" Nanao pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, trying her best to soothe the headache that had already started to form from the interruption of her beloved council. _Why is it that these damn Shinigami can't quite understand that a prerequisite of the Shinigami Women's Association is the fact that you do, indeed, have to be female? What is so difficult to understand?_

"Oh, Nanao-chan, don't be so rude to our new 'guest'." Matsumoto's sly smile and knowing wink sent shivers up Hisagi's spine. He knew that this was a bad idea the moment she she walked into his office with that overly sweet voice of hers. _I really need to stop letting her get to me like this, I swear if I'm not careful I'm going to end up posing naked with one of those cupcakes on my-_

"Oh, so this is our prey for tonight is it?"

Hisagi's facial expression changed from suffering to surprise the moment that he heard that voice. Captain of the 2nd Division Shaolin Fong, or as she prefers to be called Soifon. Her face had lost it's cold expression and instead bore the visage of a cat that had caught it's prey. He couldn't help but gulp involuntarily, and her smirk grew even more sinister. He knew there was no way this could possibly end well for him. Wait! Why was she looking at him with such ferocity? Everyone else in the room just gave a little chuckle in his direction but she hadn't even taken her eyes off him since she got there. Nanao had started giving off the usual speech a while ago, but the only thing that caught his attention were the small captain's eyes on him. He felt as if he couldn't move, her stare was holding him in place, but why? He knew she was scary, but this is an entirely new level. Hisagi honestly felt as if she were going to tie him to a rock and cut his heart out as a sacrifice to the gods of womanhood. Just then his thoughts were broken by an elbow to the ribs, gave him just enough time to notice that Nanao's eyes were on him as well.

"-and you're sure you're alright with this Hisagi-san? We really don't want you to do this if you're not comfortable with showing your...um...well you know." Even though the 2nd Division captain had made him a bundle of nerves, he couldn't deny that Nanao had a very pretty blush. He can easily see why Kyoraku-taicho constantly pines for her. However, his focus was immediately brought to a busty strawberry blonde who was silently mouthing the words "say yes" to him with a small smile playing across her lips.

"Umm...well yeah. I mean, it's nothing you guys haven't seen before right?" He scratched his head, knowing that they had indeed seen it before, but not necessarily by his choice. It was still a sore spot that he got put in a position where he was completely revealed. "Just where should we do it? I don't think Byakuya will be too happy to know that we're doing that inside his own house..."

"We'll do it in my division!" Soifon's eyes are no longer glued to him but rather the acting president of the club. Hisagi mentally reminded himself to ask where Yachiru had disappeared to that evening. "I have the proper facilities and have had my staff prepare an area just for this."

_That bitch. She planned this whole thing didn't she?_ It took all of his self restraint to keep from saying something about this, he really had no choice in the matter. Despite that this all seemed to be the assasin's plan, he knew that any attempt at weaseling out would only be met with Rangiku's famous "puppy dog eyes". Sadly, that was all it took to get the poor shinigami to do anything she asked. _I really need to stop conceding so quickly, seriously. This woman will use anything to her advantage, she's lucky she's one of my best friends._

"That's a great idea. The 2nd Division barracks are the best place to do this sort of thing. When we're done we can even go to the spa. You said you had one of those right?" Nanao's face filled with hope and Hisagi couldn't blame her. She desperately needed some time to relax.

"It's one of the few times I'm grateful for that lazy slob I call a lieutenant. I'm sure it would be lovely having all of the ladies over for a nice relaxing break would be nice. It's been a while since I've been able to actually relax with you all."

Hisagi still wasn't too sure what to think of this. He knew for a fact that Soifon was never this buddy-buddy with everyone. She was usually downright hostile, but then again this is a Women's Association meeting. She's around like-minded peers here, or at least she feels secure enough with these people to let her true feminine side show.

"It's settled then," the acting head of house announced, pushing her glasses up to let the glare emphasize her authority, "we shall have a professional photo-shoot with Hisagi and his released shikai form in the 2nd Division training grounds, then we'll have the unseated members give us a full spa treatment!" Hisagi couldn't help but let smile internally at the delighted faces of all the female shinigami. Well...all but one of course...

"Ise-fukutaicho. I don't believe a full spa treatment would be possible. My squad is currently understaffed and we do not have the proper training!" It looks like someone hit a nerve. The 9th Division lieutenant tried his best to hide the smirk that was threatening to surface. The indignant look on Soifon's face was absolutely priceless, he'd have to savor this moment. He shared an invisible smile with Nanao, who he could tell was having a laugh of her own inside of her calm and collected exterior.

"I guess we'll just relax in the pool then. I believe that should be enough to soothe our troubles away. Matsumoto-fukutaicho!" The well-endowed shinigami perked up slightly at her name.

"Yes Nanao-chan?" The aforementioned lieutenant narrowed her eyes at the nickname which was the absolute bane of her existence ever since her captain decided to use it. "

"I hope you don't mind bringing the camera this time. It seems that our other ones were all destroyed during the Byakuya mission." Rangiku's expression darkened at the mention of that. It was the only time she had ever failed at getting a picture of anyone. It was a black mark on her record that needed to be amended.

The strawberry blonde's change of mood caught Hisagi's attention, and he couldn't help but ask, "Wait, 'Byakuya Mission'? Can I ask what that was? I mean you've already made base in his house, I don't see why it would be so difficult to convince him to do anything else. I mean if anything I'm sure Rukia would be able to convince him..."

"Stay your tongue," of course Soifon would be the one to interrupt him, and in the most rude way possible as well, "asking something so great of your own family is much too embarrassing. Especially if you weren't even born into it like kuchiki-san was."

_I kind of figured, but she didn't have to be such a bitch about it, which actually makes me wonder. Where in the hell IS Rukia?_

"She's currently in the real world with Kurosaki-san."

_Well that explains that. Dammit, if I had known I would've probably asked her to get me something from there. Probably some more parts for my bike. _Images of little Rukia carrying a tires and handlebars in a little backpack and being crushed under the weight suddenly entered his mind. _Alright, maybe not. Damn, I wonder what they're doing down there..._

Probably having incredibly hot sex in his room. Doing it on his bed, and slowly moving towards his closet-

It was at that moment that a loud crash was heard, followed by an explosion that destroyed half the room and most likely took out anything above and beneath it as well. As Hisagi finally opened his eyes, he was treated to the sight of the 6th Division captain and head of the Kuchiki royal household staring down at him with his same cold stare, a hint of confusion in his eyes as he wondered what in the world the male lieutenant was doing there.

"Hisagi-fukutaicho, I was not aware that you were a member of the Female Shinigami Women's Association. I am wondering why I was not notified that you had undergone a sex change." Byakuya fixed his cold stare strictly on Shuuhei, completely ignoring the fact that there was a huge gaping hole in his own manor.

"Kuchiki-taicho, I haven't-"

The elder Kuchiki simply raised his hand to silence him, "Do not be embarrassed, we here in Soul Society do not judge." He turned and faced the rest of women present in the room. "I thank all of you for accepting our Shuuhei-fukutaicho so quickly into your ranks. You have shown true honor this day, and have brought great honor to this household."

"Umm...Kuchiki-sama, I don't believe Shuuhei-kun is-"

"Isane-fukutaicho, I appreciate you trying to rescue your new member from the shame, but as I stated earlier, there is no shame in following what your heart truly desires." The poor girl bowed her head and gave Hisagi an apologetic frown. "Rukia however, is an incredibly shameful child."

This time it was Nanao who decided to speak up. "In all fairness Kuchiki-taicho, Rukia isn't here, and I'm sure that she isn't doing anything unbefitting of a Kuchiki."

_Wait a second..._Hisagi looked up at Kuchiki and then turned his attention to the rest of the women occupying the room. _None of them are hurt and I'm directly in the middle of the hole in the ceiling..._

"Kuchiki-taicho..." The 9th Division lieutenant paused for a moment, wondering if he should actually verbalize his thoughts at the moment, but he figured it was better than nothing. "Did you just blow a hole in your own house with Senbonzakura?"

His response wasn't quite what Hisagi had expected...

"Nope" He then turned and walked away, leaving the group to their own devices.

There was a long silence up until Kiyone broke the silence. "Ummm...you do know that Ichigo is actually in the 13th Division training right?"

Soifon merely hmphed and made a mental note to send the guards who had sent her the information on a one way mission. She then remembered that she had fabricated the lie and decided that she would punish Omaeda for giving her wrong information. Of course Omaeda was actually in an important family meeting that required him to be off active duty for the past few weeks. It was actually rather important as they were discussing the pros and cons of completely disowning the youngest Mareyo from their family as they feared her terrible visage would ruin the family name. _Damn that bastard for feeding this information to me, I need to know where that child is at all times, as wherever he goes Yoruichi-sama is sure to follow. _Her confidence had been renewed and a large smile plastered itself onto her face. _I'll catch that Ryoka boy and make him take me to Yoruichi-sama, then I can finally show her how much I truly love her by giving her all of these chocolates! _A scene that had played in her head many times decided to repeat again, and display it's glorious images for only her to see. Her wearing an apron as she finished cooking her homemade catfood. She pours it on a large plate just as Yoruichi walks through the automatic sliding doors in her barracks. She sets the plate down in front of the feline and receives a kiss in return. Suddenly, four little kittens run in to great their mothers.

"I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that she somehow had babies with a cat, or the fact that someone let her near a stove again," Rangiku unconsciously touched her stomach where she had been poisoned by Soifon's horrible attempts at cooking just a year prior. She swore that she would never let anyone who couldn't differentiate rice for rat poison again. Also, moth balls were not a good source of protein despite what rumors may say.

"Guys," It was Shuuhei this time. He was currently in front of the daydreaming captain waving his hand in front of her face. "Am I the only one that finds it strange that we can see her daydream on that little cloud thing? I mean not only that but look at her eyes, I mean they're actually twinkling! I think she may be having a seizure."

"Psh," Isane waved a dismissive hand behind Shuuhei, "This happens all the time don't worry, it's just a normal occurrence. You learn to deal with these sorts of things, especially when you're dealing with someone like Soifon-taicho."

Hisagi frowned and looked back towards the delirious assassin. Something about seeing her in such a state warmed his heart. She really was just like a little girl with outlandish dreams. However, another part of him was incredibly worried that she might go into a coma if he didn't help, so he did the one thing every person knows is the absolute best thing to do to anyone whenever it looks like they're having a seizure...

He grabbed her shoulders and shook her...

"C'mon Soifon-taicho, wake up!" She gave him a dumbfounded look, as in her dream, the face of one of her kittens had suddenly turned into Shuuhei's. She shook her head clear of the dream and looked at Shuuhei with a confused and lost expression that completely cancelled out all of the negative emotions he had bared for her earlier.

"You ok there?"

BAM

Hisagi didn't even have time to react before Soifon punched him with tremendous force. He flew for a few seconds before skidding to a halt at Nemu's feet. Just as he turned up to look, he was greeted with the sight of the 12th lieutenant's undergarments, a not completely unwelcome sight, however just as soon as he caught a glimpse, his manhood was crushed. Shuuhei let out and ungodly sound that would even make hollows squirm before looking up at his tormentor...

"How dare you defile such a pure and innocent young woman like that Hisagi-fukutaicho. I am ashamed to even be in the same room as someone who would stoop so low." Her heel was still mercilessly crushing the poor man's means of procreation before Unohana finally piped up.

"Stop! Seriously, I am not going to heal those so if you want him to be able to walk for the photo shoot YOU organized, it would be best if you stopped this instant." It was very rare for the kind captain to raise her voice like that, and the effect could be seen immediately. Soifon stopped and walked towards the matriarch of the society before bowing.

"I apologize Unohana-taicho, I was not my right self. It will not happen again."

"It's okay Soifon-taicho, just make sure the poor boy is alright. You have given him quite the beating today." Unohana's voice carried that gentle motherly tone it always did, and it made Soifon feel like a child being scolded by her mother again. She didn't like it.

"I'm sorry, but there is something I must finish first." The assassin walked towards Shuuhei, the latter propped up on a chair for support. She kneeled down in front of him and placed her hand gently on his chest. "Are you alright? Hisagi-kun?" His eyes widened at the strange affection the woman showed him before he felt a fist connect with his stomach and his vision become blurred.

As his world became darker and darker, he could faintly hear the voice of one captain whisper, "That's for calling me a bitch," under her breath and he could imagine the smug smile she had while walking away while a the rest of the occupants rushed to his aid.

* * *

AN:/ Hi there, I'm more than glad to hear any constructive criticism you have for this story. I got the idea a while back and just barely worked up the nerve to finally write something for Bleach. It's not exactly in the best shape and I don't have a beta reader, considering I have no idea how that system works and I at least wanted to get this first chapter out. I hope it isn't subpar. Thanks for taking your time to read all of this, I look forward to writing more.


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